“This is my comfort, my consolidation and my breath of fresh air in the midst of sorrow and loss. Your Word nourishes and repairs me. It revives my life, and Your promises restore me and make me whole.” - Psalm 119:50
Hey y’all, it’s been a while. These past few weeks have been crazy … and emotional. I don’t like being super dramatic and I promise I am not going to be super dramatic in this post. However, I do believe it’s important for me to be vulnerable and transparent whenever I can. And I want my readers to feel like they can do the same as well. There was a recent event in my life that shattered my heart. With that being said, I thought it might be important to share, especially for anyone who may have or are currently experiencing a similar situation.
My grandmother suddenly passed away exactly one week ago. As soon as I received the heartbreaking news that morning, my whole world changed and my heart sank down to my belly. It was a sickening feeling, and I still am sick to my stomach thinking about it. My family and I are incredibly heartbroken. I obviously knew that I was going to lose her at some point in my life, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon. This is also the first death of a loved one that I was extremely close with. It makes me sad to think that I can never again give her a call if I want to tell her what’s happening in my life. It makes me even more sad to think that I won’t get to see or speak with her in-person again. The conversations I had with her were always something I looked forward to whenever I visited her.
I went to visit my family in Lima (where she lived) this past weekend and it was so heartbreaking not seeing her there. We actually didn’t have a funeral for her because she would always tell us that she didn’t want us to hold her one after she died. So instead, we celebrated her the whole weekend together by watching home videos of her and drinking margaritas (her favorite drink) at La Charreada (her favorite restaurant). It felt super weird though, with her not being there to celebrate with us. It just didn’t feel right. She deserved to be there with us to drink those margaritas!
It’s already been one week since she’s passed and I’m doing a bit better, but it ain’t easy. Trying to cope with the fact that she’s no longer here is really unbearable, along with balancing my schedule consisting of classes and blogging. I’ve been constantly feeling overwhelmed with all of these things happening at once. How I would love to call Nana right now and become in a better mood just by hearing her voice. But unfortunately, that is not an option. In difficult times like this, I tend to ask God, “Why did this have to happen? Are you trying teach me something? What’s going to happen now?” My anxiety will start to get the best of me. I’ll overthink from one thing to another to the point where I just want to stop thinking period. Though I love God more than anything, times like this is when I tend to feel impatient and frustrated with what He’s trying to teach me. It can be quite the challenge.
However, I think it’s times like this when I have to put more trust in God. He’s the only One who can truly take away my sorrow and comfort me in the darkness. Ironically, the day after my grandmother died, I was reading a devotional about grief. The crazy thing is that it’s a 100-day devotional book, yet I didn’t start it until a few days after the New Year. It’s almost as if Jesus had intended me to read that devotional on that exact day! It was a sign from God telling me to trust Him when dealing with grief. The page was titled “Life, an Undeserved Gift” and the Bible verse used was Matthew 7:11, which says, “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him?” The devotional talked about how life instantly changes when we lose someone we love, and that’s exactly how I felt when I found out about my grandma’s death. The author also wrote about how we forget about how precious life is until we experience loss or tragedy. I believe it was a message from God telling me to put my trust in Him and to enjoy life while it lasts. After all, there’s only one opportunity to live and I’m getting older rather than younger. I hear His Word and I trust it. Therefore, I trust Him. I’m going to make sure to spend as much time with my relatives and friends as much as possible before life keeps changing. I won’t take anything for granted. Instead, I’ll live every day like its the last. I know my grandmother would’ve wanted me to do that.
I also think God has been reminding me about all the precious moments I’ve had in my life so far. I look back at the wonderful memories I have made with my grandmother, and they truly were precious. They are for sure memories that I will forever be grateful for. I also am certain that my grandmother lived her life to the fullest and made so many wonderful memories to make it complete. She was truly a happy, beautiful, and loving woman. As much as I wish my grandmother were still alive, it comforts me to know that she is resting peacefully in heaven now with her angel parents and friends. I also know someday when my time comes, I’ll be reunited with her. That is another thing I can trust God with. For now, I will cherish the memories I have of her and remember the happy times whenever I feel gloomy. I also encourage you to do the same and to love your relatives and friends while they’re still here. Life is a blessing with so many things to be grateful for. It’s too precious to waste your time for.
If you’ve dealt with loss previously or are currently dealing with it like I am, just know that it gets better. Of course the sorrow of losing a loved one will never go away, but neither will the love or precious memories. Just know that putting trust in God will take you out of the everlasting darkness and misery. Also remember to live your life to the fullest and make every moment count. Then before you know it, you will be reunited with your loved one(s) in heaven someday. They’ll be waiting patiently for you, just like how my grandma is waiting for me and the rest of my family. God promises everlasting life and love in eternity. In the meantime, be grateful for your life, memories and living loved ones!
I love you forevermore, Nana. I am thinking of you every single day ❤️ XOXO
If you want to check out the devotional book that I mentioned, here it is: 100 Days of Thanks